Attention Straight Boys (#6 Bangs)

Television broadcasting is a dangerous place full of mixed messages intended to confuse the fuck out of America's straight men. It seems like you can't turn on the TV without being told that women think Axe body spray smells like anything other than date rape, that high fructose corn syrup is safe and yummy, or that it's OK to wear bangs. I hate to break your hearts, straight guys, but these are all vicious lies.

The resurgence of man-bangs can largely be blamed on their prevalence in popular programs like High School Musical and Gossip Girl. While no self-respecting breeder boy would ever voluntarily watch these shows (or at least admit to it), they have become so trendy that a high number of males have been exposed to their insidious pro-bang messages.

I'm going to do you a favor and pretend like you've never actually seen either of these programs before. BEWARE- this still doesn't give you a free pass! You see, the High School Musical series is about a bunch of teenagers who discover that sports aren't nearly as important to them as musical theater. Seriously, not even Brokeback Mountain is that gay! As if it couldn't get any worse, the HSM fan base is comprised almost entirely of pre-teen girls, Christian parents, and middle-aged gay men. Chances are this isn't the crowd you want to attract.

Gossip Girl, on the other hand, is about bratty New York socialite teenagers having sex in each other's mansions. Its fan base is comprised almost entirely of people without functioning brains. You do not need to invest time and money in a trendy haircut to impress these people. Alcohol and your favorite pickup line should work just fine.

Of course, bangs existed long before today's current crop of terrible movies and TV shows. In fact, historical bang enthusiasts have included hunky, half-naked surfers, women, and emo boys. Nuff said?

If you're not convinced that bangs are a bad idea yet, then you should realize that they easily get in your eyes and obscure your vision. Combine this with a few drinks and the low lights at most bars, and you could find yourself accidentally hitting on another guy the next time you go out. And even if you don't, one certainly won't hesitate to hit on you.